


GAY DREAMS LEAD TO GAY TEAMS

by WeedMan



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: #Keith is a Pro-Lapdancer, Alternate Universe, Crack, Explicit Language, First 3 chaps were written before season 3, Haggar is a cougar, Hamilton References, JoJo References, Mothman is Real, Multi, NO DEATH, No Angst, OOC, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, THIS IS PURE NONCANON CRACK, Texting, There’s not a lot of canon stuff here, We change contact names in almost every chapter, dont say we didnt warn you, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-29 11:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeedMan/pseuds/WeedMan
Summary: “Allure Me: Paladins! I've made this so called “Paladin Chat” so that we could hopefully stay connected much easier!Let mE SLEEP: Is it because of Lance?Allure Me: Yes.Lance Me ;): What dID I DO”(A crack texting fic in space. Shit gets wild.)





	1. Chapter One: Memes, Mistakes, and Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> WE CHANGE CONTACT NAMES FOR EVERYONE IN ALMOST EVERY CHAPTER. EVERYONE’S NAMES SHOULD BE OBVIOUS EXCEPT FOR MAYBE CORAN AND PIDGE. CORAN IS GORGEOUS OCEAN MAN AND PIDGE IS LET ME SLEEP.  
> (EXTRA NOTES)  
> So this account is shared by 3 people, Arlio, Aunt, and Key. Arlio has been the one dishing out the lANGST in their fic “The Truth of Colors” (which you should totally check out btw) and Aunt is one of Arlio’s editors who is currently working on a fic rn. ;) I am Key, I’m also one of Arlio’s editors and I have responded to some comments before, so you’ll know from the way I type that I’m like all for the crack. Good luck on reading this lol.

[Allure Me] added [Shiri-o’s] 

[Allure Me] added [KeDICKth] 

[Allure Me] added [Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette] 

[Allure Me] added [Gorgeous Ocean Man] 

[Allure Me] added [Lance Me ;)] 

[Allure Me] added [Let mE SLEEP] 

[Allure Me] changed the chat name to “Paladin Chat” 

Allure Me: Paladins! I've made this so called “Paladin Chat” so that we could hopefully stay connected much easier!

Let mE SLEEP: Is it because of Lance?

Allure Me: Yes.

Lance Me ;): What dID I DO

Let mE SLEEP: Get lost in the castle???? Almost got yourself killed???? Because you forgot your helmet??? And couldn’t communicate with us??? And you almost starved before we found you????

Lance Me ;): Oh come on that was one time Pidge! Also this castle is just HUGE you walk a mile and you still find yourself in the same place!

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: And almost costed you your life Lance! >:(

Let mE SLEEP: Oh god run, it's mother hen Hunk.

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: I’m just worried about him Pidge!

Allure Me: Paladins don't start a fight here! This chat is strictly going to be for emergencies from now on. 

Let mE SLEEP: I'm going to send some dank memes. 

Lance Me ;): same. And selfies. If ur lucky u get my noods ;)

KeDICKth: IM wOKE.

Gorgeous Ocean Man: What does ‘’noods ;)’’ mean?

Lance Me ;): Keith tf and Coran it means lovely pictures of me + a smiley face

Gorgeous Ocean Man: Oh! I would love any pictures of you Lance! I was wanting to start a photo album of our team for some Spicolian movements! If I could I would like everyone's “noods ;)”!

Lance Me ;): Oh trust me you might not want these pics or really anyone else's in that case

KeDICKth: but I might.

Shiri-o’s: What is happening? It's like 2 am if my body is telling me right. Alien time and all.

Lance Me ;): yo shirts

Lance Me ;): I mean Shiro

Lance Me ;): AUTOCORRECT HOW DARE U BETRAY ME

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: did you just call Shinto Shirts?

Lance Me ;): lol fail Hunk

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: I swear I didn't mean that Shrimp.

Lance Me ;): LOL HUNK PLZ I KNOW UR TALLER THAN SHIRO BUT NO NEED TO CALL HIM “SHRIMP”

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: I'm so sorry. I’ll leave.

Shiri-o’s: It's okay, your phones probably aren't exactly used to my name. 

Allure Me: I am sorry Shiro, you can go rest again. I had just said this chat was for emergencies… 

Gorgeous Ocean Man: What is a “meme”?

Let mE SLEEP: This is gonna be so good but so bad

Lance Me ;): COran CORAN MY GORGEOUS MAN TIS MY TIME TO SHINE;  
Meme  
noun  
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.  
a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc., that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.

Let mE SLEEP: Pulled straight off google

Gorgeous Ocean Man: Interesting! I think I will go search around and research about these memes!

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: Where did you get wifi out here. Now that I think about it how about reception?

Let mE SLEEP: Rigged some shit up.

Shiri-o’s: LANGUAGE PIDGE.

KeDICKth: wait… so can I search up pics of mothman?

Let mE SLEEP: Yeah, I got u covered my dick loving friend-o. *insert eggplant emojis*

Allure Me: What is a mothman?

Shiri-o’s: Please stop.

KeDICKth: wAIT CAN I TELL EARTH ALIENS ARE REAL?????

Let mE SLEEP: Reception machine broke.

KeDICKth: Q U I Z N A K

Lance Me ;): FCK i was hoping i might be able to talk to my family. 

Shiri-o’s: L A N G U A G E.

Allure Me: I am curious as to how these machines work Pidge.

Let mE SLEEP: Crazy mumbo jumbo science-y earth and alien tech combinations I forced hunk and Coran to help me make. Don’t get me wrong they won’t go past universes. Only working if it is at least in the same universe. Not to mention they kinda only work for texting each other. Sorry. 

Gorgeous Ocean Man: What is a corn?

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: Why the random question?

Gorgeous Ocean Man: I tried to type my name but corn came up.

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: Corn is a vegetable from Earth. It’s tasty and nutritional. So I guess you programmed this in English Pidge?

KeDICKth: Coran is now corn man, to lead me by the hand.

Lance Me ;): plz go back to sleep for the sake of everyone

KeDICKth: corn daddy

Let mE SLEEP: what the quiznak

Shiri-o’s: First of all, L ANGUAGE MOTHERHECKERS. Secondly, I thought I was Daddy :(

KeDICKth: Shiro what the heck.

Lance Me ;): You can be my daddy anytime ;)

Let mE SLEEP: what the fresh HECK

Let mE SLEEP: Shiro it just isn't the same.

Shiri-o’s: Is there YouTube out here? 

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: ...I don’t think there is. As good as we are, it isn’t easy recovering everything we had accessible with our phones from the past. So sorry, no.

Allure Me: Oh my word! was that screaming I heard in your quarters, Paladins?! Is it an emergency?! 

Shiri-o’s: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH STRESS RELIEVING SLIME VIDEOS?!

Lance Me ;): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH SKIN CARE TUTORIALS?!

KeDICKth: Wait Shiro you seriously watch slime videos? Who even does that? They aren’t even relaxing? And lance even then u wouldnt be able to do any of the tutorial BECAUSE WE HAVE BROUGHT LITERALLY NOTHING BUT OUR CLOTHES TO SPACE.

Let mE SLEEP: MY GOD SHUT UP SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SLEEP WHILE BEING REMINDED THAT THEIR EFFORTS APPARENTLY AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOME PRINCESSES IN NEED OF TERRIBLE YOUTUBE VIDEOS

Shiri-o’s: When I’m around you all 24/7, slime videos are my saving grace.

KeDICKth: WHO EVEN SAYS YOU ALL?!?!? IT’S Y’ALL.

Lance Me ;): ur such a southern motherfuckIN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICAN, oHH

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: did you just reference to hamilton

KeDICKth: you mean that play by shakespeare?

Lance Me ;): yOU DID NOT JUST QUIZNAKING SAY THAT TO MY FACE

Shiri-o’s: FOR THE LAST HECKING TIME, L A N G U A G E .

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: Well let’s just calm down… 

Let mE SLEEP: You guys. Shut up. Or tomorrow “The Legend of Voltron” becomes a Legend once again. 

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: You heard the woman, let’s go to sleep.

Lance Me ;): This isn’t over keith…

Shiri-o’s: If you all don’t go to bed now there will be no breakfast in the morning for you.

KeDICKth: IT’S Y’ALL.

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: K E I T H .

Allure Me: Sleep. And that is final, goodnight paladins.


	2. Origins and Machines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lotor learns more about his family and Haggar is a cougar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably won’t usually update twice a week but this chap is short so here you go lol. -Key

[Zark Efron] added [Lotwhore] 

[Zark Efron] added [Hagcar] 

[Zark Efron] named the chat “Bad Guy Hangout” 

Zark Efron: Greetings son, and questionably-close-to-me assistant named Haggar.

Hagcar: I can give you my ass-instantly anytime ;}

Lotwhore: What tHE QUIZNAK.

Hagcar: Shut up, you know I've been chasing your daddy’s ass for over 10,000 years.

Zark Efron: I am taken by a black furry mecha. 

Lotwhore: I don’t even call him daddy. Or even father. He’s no father to me.

Hagcar: I’d call him daddy anytime. 

Zark Efron: Business appropriation, Haggar. I am a taken man as previously stated. 

Lotwhore: Why did you even hire her. 

Zark Efron: She reminded me of your mother. 

Lotwhore: Wait what? You have never spoken anything to me about my mother, much less her existence. What about Haggar reminds you of my birth mother? So important that you have brought it up?

Zark Efron: Your mother was a car.

Lotwhore: What????????????????????????????????

Zark Efron: Why do you think your skin is as hard as metal and not as flawless as mine. You weird, smooth amphibian. 

Hagcar: I believe you’re much harder, Zark-daddy. ;}

Lotwhore: But.. she was a car?....

Zark Efron: I wanted to name you “Motor” in memorial of your mother since she’s long gone, but I decided against it because your mother originally wanted to name you “Lotus”, because she thought you were beautiful so I combined the two.

Lotwhore: Father I, I’m so touched for once in my life.

Zark Efron: Obviously she thought quiznakin’ wrong because look at you now. You ugly as quiznak, you pathetic thot.

Lotwhore: … Rude.

Hagcar: It’s okay, I’ll be your new mother if I get to get it on with your daddy. ;} 

Lotwhore: But you’re not even my mother!

Hagcar: I can give you what she never gave you.

Zark Efron: You’re not even a machine.

Lotwhore: How did you even ...procreate... with a machine???

Zark Efron: Don’t question my abilities.

Lotwhore: I haven’t had a single detail into my birth mother's existence, and now I am bombarded with these strange stories and accusations and accompanied by a hag that wants nothing but to disgustingly have sex with my father. 

Hagcar: I mean, you aren’t wrong there. ;}

Zark Efron: … You still aren’t a machine Haggar.

Hagcar: What do you think all those experimentations were for. ALL THOSE PROSTHETICS. ThE CHAMPION.

**** 

“Paladin Chat” 

Hunk Hunk Hunk Baguette: Shiro, have you ever thought to yourself about why the Galra gave you a metal prosthetic arm?

Shiri-o’s: Not exactly. I choose to not really think about it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this, things are gonna get hella wild. -Key


	3. Hoemos and Bromos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith unironically uses memes and slang wrong, Allura wants Shiro’s bara boobs, Lance has a case of blue balls, and JoJo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contact Names: PURGE is Pidge, Chef BOIyardKeef is Keith, Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love is Hunk, GA(Y)SOLINA™ is Lance, All-ur-ass belongs to me is Allura, and Shrimp is Shiro.

[PURGE] started a chat with [Chef BOIyardKeef] 

PURGE: Keith would you fuck an Alien™?

Chef BOIyardKeef: Hell yeah! Who wouldnt? 

PURGE: Good, go fuck yourself.

Chef BOIyardKeef: I would if I could, Pidge.

PURGE: Please don’t ever speak to me again.

[PURGE] has left [Chef BOIyardKeef]

**** 

[Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love] started a chat with [PURGE]

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: Pidge, what happened this time with Lance? 

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: I mean Keith

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: I subconsciously put Lance. 

PURGE: Okay. So you, me, and Keith were in the kitchen this morning right?

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: Yeah? You guys literally kicked me out of there.

PURGE: Okay. SO. We were going to try to mash some of Coran’s space ‘’food’’ because you know, ScieNCE???? So we get over the food, cooking, even presenting for god’s sake! Then when we decided to idk? Maybe smash our weird concoction into Lance’s face when he woke up. Do you know what keith said?? UNIRONICALLY??? LIKE NO JOKE???//

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: What did he say? Also is Lance okay or did you run away right after?

PURGE: He said “BONE APPLE TEETH.” 

PURGE: And yeah, Lance is okay.

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: WHAT.

PURGE: “BONE APPLE TEETH”

PURGE: I KNOW HE HAS BEEN LIVING ALONE IN THE DESERT AS A HERMIT FOR BASICALLY HALF OF HIS LIFE BUT. HOW, COULD ANYONE BE THAT UNEDUCATED?!

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: This pains me physically. But did you seriously get so mad you punched Keith and left him there? I know he deserves a long 15 hour lecture on common etiquette, but a punch?

PURGE: No…

PURGE: I slapped him then ran.

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: Pidge you know that was bad, no matter his sins >:(

PURGE: I know. But still. He better learn. Or I can never see him as my son ever again.

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: He’s older than you. But same.

PURGE: Don't take away my motherly passion. 

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: You would pick up a baby,

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: And then say, ‘’THIS BISH BE EMPTY. YEET.”

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: And then proceed to hurl the baby across a football field’s distance into a trashcan.

PURGE: Damn. 

PURGE: You know me too well.

**** 

[Chef BOIyardKeef] started a chat with [GA(Y)SOLINA™] 

Chef BOIyardKeef: Lance please help Pidge blocked me

GA(Y)SOLINA™: what did u do this time

GA(Y)SOLINA™: and y should i help u when u and Pidge smacked me in the face with SPACE FOOD

GA(Y)SOLINA™: not even expired space food like I use for my face care routine 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: N ruining my beauty sleep

Chef BOIyardKeef: I didn’t do anything! And that was Pidges plan btw, and I admit it was funny. I don’t know why she slapped me in the first place! We were having fun, doing… stuff. 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: suuuurree….stufff ;) N apparently ruining my perfect face

Chef BOIyardKeef: You know i'm gay as all fuck right? And she's a small gremlin who would rather date a robot than be forced to human socialization? Also ur face is okay. 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: WAIT UR GAY????

Chef BOIyardKeef: What the fuck? Bruh…. I like? I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME??? I LOVE DICK???? 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: wHO THE QUIZN AK IS DICK?????? AND WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD OF HIM?????

Chef BOIyardKeef: Lance. It’s not, ‘’I want Dick’’ it’s ‘’I want the DICK.’’

GA(Y)SOLINA™: oh, i MEAN I HAVE ONE BUT NO HOMO BROMO

Chef BOIyardKeef: I MEAN I JUST SAID I WAS GAY SO ALL THE HOMO

GA(Y)SOLINA™: u kNOW WHAT FUCK ME NOW 

Chef BOIyardKeef: Wait, wait, before we do anything, I just want you to know, I might be a bit kinky. 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: Ooooooo bby u kno I like kinky ;))) wat is it lol?

Chef BOIyardKeef: I kinda like to tickle? I mean as foreplay anyways, not too intense, just fun. 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: sure I mean I haven't done it but eyyyyyy I can try

Chef BOIyardKeef: I’LL BE THERE IN A SEC, GET READY FOR ME TO TICKLE YOU WITH A BIRD LEAF ;)

GA(Y)SOLINA™: ...bird leaf?... 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: what?

Chef BOIyardKeef: I like using a bird lead to tickle? 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: Do u mean a feather?.....

GA(Y)SOLINA™: omfg u meant a feather

GA(Y)SOLINA™: omfg

GA(Y)SOLINA™: nvm just...don't even come to my room. don't even fucking talk to me, u heathen. 

GA(Y)SOLINA™: just kno u’ve successfully killed my boner and gave me a case of blue balls

Chef BOIyardKeef: Lance? What happened? Oh god did i move too quickly? I didn't even get to talk to you about pidge. 

Chef BOIyardKeef: Lance?

Chef BOIyardKeef: Lance please.

**** 

[All-ur-ass belongs to me] started a chat with [Shrimp] 

All-ur-ass belongs to me: I'm gay

Shrimp: But we’ve been dating for months now?

All-ur-ass belongs to me: I'M GAY

Shrimp: But…. I’m a man, and i'm guessing you have female parts? I don't know exactly what you have…

All-ur-ass belongs to me: But, I’ve been told only females have huge tits. 

Shrimp: L AN GUAGE ON THIS GOOD CHRISTIAN SERVER 

All-ur-ass belongs to me: What?

Shrimp: Nevermind, I’ve been influenced by Keith too much. 

Shrimp: And no, I do not have “Huge Tits”, whoever you had heard that phrase from, I have what people call, “Bara Boobs”.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: What is the difference?

Shrimp: Don’t make me do this. 

All-ur-ass belongs to me: I’m sorry if that question made you uncomfortable.

Shrimp: It’s not that, I just have bad flashbacks to when Keith had his Anime phase.

Shrimp: Kept watching something called “Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure”. I think his favorite character was Hoespeh Hoestar or something like that.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Which is?

Shrimp: I don’t even know. 

Shrimp: Anyways, If you're gay, and I’m gay, who's piloting this castle?

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Coran?

Shrimp: Wait isn’t Coran gay?

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Clearly gay but we haven’t had the talk.

Shrimp: Which reminds me I should ask Keith about that. 

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Wait you’re gay?

Shrimp: Well I am not 100% straight, just also not 100% gay.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: So you’re bipolar?

Shrimp: What

All-ur-ass belongs to me: When you like bois and girls?

Shrimp: Why “bois”? And also, no, that is bisexual. Which yes, I am.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Wasn’t that Keith’s gender preference? He has it as his contact name. Also, thank you for clearing that up!

Shrimp: But seriously, we’ve been dating secretly for a while, are you gay? Like I would completely understand and all.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: I’m not sure at this point. I like your boobs, but I also like tits. 

Shrimp: 50/50 coin, whoever loses has to get surgery.

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Tails. Take it or leave it.

Shrimp: Tomorrow.

**** 

[PURGE] started a chat with [Chef BOIyardKeef] 

PURGE: Okay Keith, I know we have our differences, some of us have normal good highschool graduate education, and some of us were dropped on our heads in a desert but that's okay. We accept each other here.

Chef BOIyardKeef: I feel very afraid, and triggered.

PURGE: But, someone on this damn castle has to educate those said people in the desert, and thankfully I am here. 

PURGE: IT ISNT A BIRD LEAF, ITS CALLED A FUCKING FEATHER. ITS NOT “BONE APPLE TEETH” ITS “Bon Appétit”, NOT TO MENTION, THE ONE TIME AT THE GARRISONS YOU ASKED THE OLD CAFETERIA LADY FOR SOME “BONELESS PIZZA”. WHO HAS EVEN SAID THAT SINCE 2017?! Now that I’ve made you aware of your mistakes, let's be friends again?

Chef BOIyardKeef: uhHHHHH EXCUSE YOU, BONELESS PIZZA IS TOTALLY A THING. 

PURGE: Shhhhhhhhhut up child. I got you some apology gifts.

Chef BOIyardKeef: Which is?

PURGE: So, you know I made this chat server… And also am a magical goddamn hacker. 

PURGE: I got some good juicy info from Allura and Shiro’s chat.

Chef BOIyardKeef: If it’s about their “Secret Relationship” then I think we already all know.

PURGE: No, it ain’t that. Remember like, before we got basically kidnapped into space? That little phase you had that eventually got you kicked out of the Garrison because you kept answering tests with “ORAL ORAL ORAL ORAL” (AND FOR THE RECORD, ITS “ORA” YOU IGNORANT SLUT) and living in a desert? 

Chef BOIyardKeef: Oh yeah, I was really into Anime. 

PURGE: Well, Shiro happened to remember the name of your favorite character: Hoeseph Hoestar. Shiro’s words by the way, not mine. 

Chef BOIyardKeef: thAT BITCH SAID WHAT NOW

PURGE: Accept my apology and I’ll help you get back at him.

Chef BOIyardKeef: Deal.

**** 

“Paladin Chat” 

Corn: Why was Shiro wearing a dress all day?

All-ur-ass belongs to me: Why? Doesn’t SHE look dashing?

Shrimp: Don’t ask. 

Shrimp: It was this or my dick.

GA(Y)SOLINA™: Them thighs tho ;P

PURGE: I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with it.

Chef BOIyardKeef: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING FUN OF MY FAVORITE JOJO.

<\--To--Be---Continued----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mothman in the next chap ;)


	4. Gay Dreams Lead to Gay Teams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Key is out, so here i’m (Arlio) posting this for em! This... this is a beautiful mess, and why I don’t let em touch my main fic- :,) love you. 
> 
> Don’t say we didn’t warn you about the crack. 
> 
> Twunk=Hunk  
> Queef=Keith  
> P’choo Nut=Pidge  
> Shook king=Lance  
> Shrug=Shiro  
> Mr.Clean=Coran  
> Milady=Allura  
> I’m sure you could figure the rest on your own.

[Twunk] Started a chat with [Queef]

Twunk: Hey Keith, I checked on you around an hour ago or so? How are you feeling bud?

Queef: Like I just blew 20 guys nonstop.

Twunk: TMI. Though you were close.

Queef: I’m joking. Kinda.

Twunk: Wait how would you even know what thats like?

Queef: What happened? I… I don’t even have memories of yesterday. Hunk, I'm worried.

Twunk: Oh boy.. You got some catching up to do. Well, let's once again, start with you and Pidge apparently up to no good. AGAIN.

{Yesterday}

“Paladin Chat”

Queef: I’m making a Mothman Appreciation Club

P’choo Nut: Can I be co-president?

Queef: Sure Pidge, anyone want to be secretary?

Twunk: I’m not into Mothman but I can be the secretary and bake cookies for your meetings. 

Queef: Treasury?

Shook King: oh hell to the naw i aint appreciating your weird furry cryptid

Queef: EXCUSE ME HE IS DADDY.

Shrug: Count me out please Keith.

Mr. Clean: What is a Mothman?

Milady: What exactly is a Mothman? A man who is an insect?

Shook King: Keith WE ARE IN SPACE THERE IS NO MOTHMAN

Queef: you dare sAY HE COULD ALSO NOT BE OUT THERE. 

P’choo Nut: omfg. 

P’choo Nut: What if… there was just a planet of Mothmans.

Queef: ALLURA TURN THIS CASTLE AROUND.

{16 Hours Ago}

“Paladin Chat”

P’choo Nut: Guys. We might have to leave this planet.

P’choo Nut: Honestly, Keith is drooling and slobbering over them,

P’choo Nut: Don’t get me wrong, I love Mothman, But looking at keith makes me really…

P’choo Nut: Not interested.

P’choo Nut: Anyways, seriously if we don't back out of this planet now, Keith may just become a full time prostitute if we don’t stop him. 

Twunk: If Keith is going to be a prostitute here, we’re going to have to join him.

Shook King: buT WHY

Shrug: Because we are a team and we’re all in this together no matter how much we don’t want to do this.

P’choo Nut: Anyone else get a high school musical reference in that? 

Shook King: omfg zark efron is hawt

Shook King: *zac efron

Milady: That name sounds familiar but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Mr. Clean: Zarkon was an actor once, he played as a character named Zark Efron!

Shook King: YOUVE RUINED HSM FOR ME NOOOOOOOOOO

Shrug: Anyways, Since we’re going to become prostitutes, my stage name will be “Shrimp the Strip”

Twunk: ...Shiro what the fuck.

P’choo Nut: OH SHIT GUYS I THINK KEITH IS DRUNK 

P’choo Nut: I DIDNT SEE HIM BUT HES DRINKING A WEIRD FUCKING PINK COLORED DRINK AND HE ISNT EVEN WALKING STRAIGHT ANYMORE

P’choo Nut: Not that he ever walked straight// If u kno what i mean. 

Shrug: Pidge, me and Hunk are coming in as back-up. Arriving in about 30 minutes or so.

P’choo Nut: OH MY GOD HES GRINDING ON SOME MOTH DICK SOMEONE STOP MY CHILD

Shook King: So… He's really in love with Mothman, huh?

P’choo Nut: Lance, I bet if you wore a Mothman Costume he would probably fuck you.

{12 Hours Ago}

Shrug: Pidge are you sure you sent us the right location? Hunk and I can't see anything.

Mr. Clean: Uh, not meaning to disturb you guys while on a mission! But I believe Lance may have… Left?

P’choo Nut: Omfg. He did it.

[Twunk] in chat with [Queef]

Queef: … And what else?

Twunk: Well… 

Queef: Well what??????

Twunk: You may or may not have given Lance a lap dance.

Queef: oh my god

Twunk: In a Mothman costume.

Queef: Wait, was I in the Mothman costume or was he in the costume?

Twunk: He was.

Queef: o h . Please tell that’s all we did.

Twunk: Uhhhh… We’re not sure, you eloped with him afterwards. You’ll have to ask Lance himself.

Queef: gOTTA BLAST

[Queef] started a chat with [Shook King]

Queef: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

Shook King: i was quiznakin hammered man idk

Queef: SORRY OKAY BYE

“Paladin Chat”

Queef: THE FUCKETH HAPPENED AFTER LANCE AND I ELOPED

P’choo Nut: Well, Shrimp the Strip made some good money last night. With his “hot battle scar” and super tight shirt.

Shrug: Bii-boh-bi was kind enough to help out with getting me a spot on stage.

Mr. Clean: That quiznakin’ noodle is a waste of your time, you could be making more business at other places!

Shrug: Not now, Coran. Bii-boh-bi did an excellent job.

Mr. Clean: Fine, I’ll find someone better then if you’re siding with Bii-boh-bi!

Shook King: I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED SHIRO IN A TIGHT SHIRT AND HIS HOT BATTLE SCAR :((((

Queef: THAT DOESN’T TELL ME WHAT LANCE AND I DID. Also, do you mean the scar across his nose?????

Shrug: Yes, it was a tough battle against that hot oil.

P’choo Nut: Hot oil?

Shrug: Your brother and I tried to make some breakfast back at the Garrison.

P’choo Nut: awww yisssss, future blackmail against Matt

Shrug: The hot oil popped and burned the fuck out of us. Your brother was crying like a little bitch.

Twunk: I THOUGHT U SAID NO CUSSING!!! >:(

Shrug: Without any relaxing slime videos, being with you all makes me more dead inside.

Queef: IT’S Y'ALL YOU UNCULTURED SLIME

Queef: *SWINE

P’choo Nut: THAT CANT JUST BE IT GIMME MORE EMBARRASSING BLACKMAIL

Shrug: Well…

Queef: IS ANYONE SERIOUSLY GOING TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED I

Shook King: dUDE I HAVE A HEADACHE WHY DID YOU SCREAM SO LOUD

Queef: LANCE COME OVER HERE SHOW ME YOUR RING FINGER AND YOUR ARM

Shook King: my ring finger and my arm???

Queef: JUST LOOK 

Shook King: … I’m coming right now you better open up your quiznaking door and explain 

Twunk: What happens in Mothman Vegas stays in Mothman Vegas...

P’choo Nut: While the two lovebirds are shook, TELL MORE EMBARRASSING STORIES ABOUT MATT

Shrug: Alright, let’s do this.

P’choo Nut: This is gonna be good >:)

****

“Bad Guy Hangout”

Zark Efron: Lotor, from this day forth, you and your generals are banned from the Galra Empire.

Lotwhore: But father, what have I done?

Hagcar: You know what you’ve done, one of my spies had caught you fooling around on that planet full of disgusting insects! You’ve shamed your daddy’s name.

Zark Efron: This will not land you any brownie points, Haggar. And please do not call me daddy.

Hagcar: :{

Lotwhore: Why haven’t you kicked me out of this chat yet?

Zark Efron: I’d rather not be left alone with the wench.

Hagcar: Oh Zarky, how you wound me so. :’{

Zark Efron: Good.

[Lotwhore] left “Bad Guy Hangout”

Hagcar: ;}

Zark Efron: Quiznak.

****

[Lotwhore] added [Axca Spray]  
[Lotwhore] added [Big Buffa]  
[Lotwhore] added [Ezor Blade]  
[Lotwhore] added [Naughty Naruto]  
[Lotwhore] named the chat “Here Comes the Generals”

Lotwhore: Girls, we’ve been banned from the Galra Empire.

Ezor Blade: FOR REAL???? :0

Acxa Spray: I didn’t think they would’ve caught one of our crimes.

Big Buffa: WHO RATTED US OUT

Lotwhore: Now now, girls. Apparently someone saw us for fooling around on that planet last night.

Big Buffa: The one with a bunch of insect people?

Lotwhore: Yes.

Ezor Blade: Well, Narti was having a lot of fun last night with this other person. ;3

Naughty Naruto: …

Big Buffa: YEAH YOU WERE DRUNK WITH THIS DUDE THE WHOLE NIGHT DRESSED IN WEIRD GETUP UNTIL SOMEONE IN AN INSECT COSTUME PULLED HIM AWAY

Naughty Naruto: He was dressed as Sasuke Uchicha and I was Naruto Uzumaki. He was a perfect cosplayer, he had very white skin. 

Lotwhore: What is a Naruto and a Sasuke?

Naughty Naruto: I learned of it in a thrift shop filled with various items from across the universe.

Acxa Spray: That still does not explain what or who they are.

Naughty Naruto: Hold on for just a tick.

*[Naughty Naruto] sent a video*

Big Buffa: Is that…

Acxa Spray: A compilation of animated homosexual moments between two males.

Ezor Blade: ooOoO, I LOVE GAY STUFF :D

Lotwhore: Narti, I’m leaving your ass at the closest Walmart as soon as possible.


	5. Morning Regrets, Silly String, and Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to do with a child? Who knows, maybe the drug dealer does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONES CONTACTS ARE THE SAME AS LAST TIME EXCEPT NEW CHARACTERS.  
> Memes: Matt  
> Sendank: Sendank (Sendak’s made up twin bro)  
> NYAman: Nyma

“Paladin Chat” 

P’choo Nut: Those stories were beautiful, I have so much blackmail now. >:) Thanks, Shiro!

Shrug: No problem, Pidge.

Shook King: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THAT KEITH AND I GOT MARRIED AND GOT MATCHING TATTOOS????

Twunk: Wait, matching tatoos?

Shook King: YEAH I HAVE A TATTOO OF A HORRIBLY DRAWN ASS AND KEITH HAS ONE OF A DICK

P’choo Nut: iM WHeEZiNG

*[P’choo Nut] sent an audio message* 

Twunk: PIDGE ARE YOU OKAY YOU SOUND LIKE YOURE HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK

Twunk: PIDGE???

Twunk: IM COMING OVER

Queef: oh my god

Shook King: WHAT

Queef: There’s a picture of me and one of Lotor’s generals in my pocket from last night.

Shrug: YOU WERE WITH ONE OF LOTOR’S GENERALS?!!?!!

Queef: Lance is in the background sulking in his Mothman costume lol

Shrug: CHECK THE BACK OF THE PHOTO

Queef: On the back it says, “We should cosplay together sometime again. From Narti”.

Shook King: Cosplay???

Queef: Yeah, she was dressed as Naruto in this picture. I don’t know why she thinks I’m cosplaying though, I was just myself. A phone number is also on the back too.

Shrug: I don’t think you should contact her.

Queef: yOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, D A D.

Shrug: FINE BE THAT WAY, SEE IF I CARE.

Mr. Clean: Everyone get to your stations, there’s someone in distress!

**** 

“Here Comes the Generals” 

Lotwhore: I cannot believe you all!

Ezor Blade: What do you mean? :3

Lotwhore: Don’t play dumb with me, you silly stringed me and left me helpless on an empty planet! Why did you do that?!

Acxa Spray: For Narti. 

Big Buffa: Well, you did leave Narti alone at Walmart.

Ezor Blade: So until we can find Narti in Walmart, you’re stuck there! >:3

Lotwhore: I’ve been forced to do this, I’ve contacted Voltron for help.

**** 

{2 Hours Later} 

“Paladin Chat” 

Shrug: Well, that was eventful.

Shook King: I can’t believe we had to help untie Lotor from a tree and get silly string out of his hair!

Queef: Why’d we have to help him anyways?!?!

P’choo Nut: He was crying like a little bitch.

Twunk: LANGUAGE YOUNG NUT

Shrug: We have to help those in need, even if it’s Lotor.

P’choo Nut: Well, at least we left him there instead taking him with us.

Milady: We have a message saying that a child belongs to Keith?

P’choo Nut: Must’ve been from fucking all those Mothmen.

Twunk: pIDGE

Queef: I’m naming it KeDICKth the Sexond.

Shook King: SEXOND???

Queef: Yes.

Shrug: Are you still drunk?

Shook King: IF YOU NAME YOUR CHILD THAT IM LEAVING YOU

Queef: No, I fully intend to name my child that. Sorry Lance, duty calls.

Twunk: HOW ARE WE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD?!?!? HOW WILL WE EVEN FEED IT????? DO MOTHHUMAN HYBRIDS EVEN DRINK MILK???

Queef: Allura would you like to uh

Milady: No.

Queef: Understandable, have a nice day.

P’choo Nut: Shiro, we’re gonna need those bara boobs.

Shrug: On it.

**** 

{1 Hour Later} 

P’choo Nut: Everyone say I if we should leave that thing to Lotor.

Shook King: I

Twunk: EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT FURRY MOTH DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN ABANDON A CHILD. ESPECIALLY TO LOTOR

Queef: yEAH, KEDICKTH THE SEXOND IS MY BABY

Shrug: please make it stop

P’choo Nut: OKAY HOW ABOUT WE SEE IF IT’S EVEN KEITH’S CHILD FIRST 

Queef: hES MY S O N

Shook King: We’ll see about that

**** 

P’choo Nut: So.

Queef: I cANT BELIEVE HES NOT MY SON

Shook King: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Twunk: Well we still have to find him a family, he can’t stay with us. It’s too dangerous!

P’choo Nut: Guys, I have a solution. My bro probably has some connections that’ll help us find someone willing to take the child.

Shrug: But Matt doesn’t even have a phone?

P’choo Nut: No, he does. I just forgot to activate our messaging app for him.

[P’choo Nut] added [Memes] 

Memes: wOAH

P’choo Nut: yo bro

Memes: THIS IS SO COOL HOW DID YOU MAKE THIS 

P’choo Nut: Thanks, but I’ll explain later. We need your help. We need your connections.

Memes: I’ve got connections, but are you sure you’re ready to hit the blunt?

P’choo Nut: what

Twunk: wHAT

Memes: uhhhHHHH, WRONG CONNECTIONS?

Shook King: nO SHIT SHERLOCK

Memes: OH

Memes: WHAT KIND THEN?

P’choo Nut: We need someone who is willing to take in a child.

Memes: So we do need my weed connections then

Twunk: WHAT DOES WEED HAVE TO DO WITH TAKING CAre OF CHILDREN

Memes: MY WEED/DRUG DEALER LOVES CHILDREN MAN

Shrug: Are you sure it’s safe to leave a child around a drug dealer????

Memes: HES GOOD WITH KIDS AND KEEPING DRUGS AND SHIT AWAY FROM THEM I SWEAR

P’choo Nut: I trust you, but who is this guy anyways? We’ll have to go see him.

Memes: His name is Sendank.

Shrug: … what?

P’choo Nut: Is that a typo.

Memes: He’s a Galra from Dabazaal. He likes to dabitall-

Milady: Are you sure you didn’t mean Sendak?

Memes: Yeah his name is Sendank, Sendak is his twin brother. How do you know Sendak?

Shrug: I’d rather not say

Memes: That’s cool, but yeah. I can take you to him if you want. 

Milady: Alright, we head out tomorrow.

Queef: mY sONNNN

**** 

“DAB IT ALL” 

Memes: SENDANK I’VE GOT GOOD NEWS

Sendank: yea whats good

Rolo Up The Blunt: The last time you said that, you brought us a giant cake and some noodle alien popped out as a surprise.

Memes: THAT WAS ONE TIME, I DIDNT THINK A NOODLE AIEN WOULD BE INSIDE THE CAKE

NYAman: Anyways, what’s the surprise?

Memes: Sendank might be able to adopt a child ;)

Sendank: hskssmnsjsksheisaoakfnf

Memes: Sendank?

NYAman: He’s currently screaming and yote his device across the room.

Memes: yote????

NYAman: Your human word yeet in past tense is yote, is it not?

Memes: oh my god


	6. Key Has The Big Lazy :’)

haha hello this is key I completely forgot about this fic and I am also very dead lmao,,, also I have no idea when I’ll update this because as I said, I have the big lazy,,,, :’)

**Author's Note:**

> COMMENTS/IDEAS/KUDOS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED! WARNING: THE TITLE AND FIC CAME TO BE CUZ I HAD A DREAM ABOUT A GAY TEAM SO NOW THAT’S THAT. ALSO THE FIRST 2 CHAPS WERE BY ARLIO WITH MY HELP BUT AFTER THAT, SHIT GETS EVEN MORE WILD.


End file.
